We spend so much time worrying about
what other people think of us that we forget to consider what we
think of ourselves. Self-worth is tied up in so many facets of life
that it can easily get muddled and lost. I've never had a high level
of self-worth because I allowed myself to believe that how people saw
me mattered and that the mistakes of my past had to be weighed in my
judgment. As they say we are our own harshest critic. I know I have
beaten myself up more than anyone else ever has and the gap between
my own criticism and anything that has come from the outside is vast.
I have been called crazy and a freak mostly because my thoughts,
opinions, and beliefs are generally of the not-widely-accepted
variety. Because I refused to change, I was only accepted by small
groups of people.
Recently I found redemption. Not in
the eyes of others but in my own mind. I think this is where the
essence of redemption truly lies. After all, how could you be honest
to anyone else if you lie to yourself? I'm not talking about making
amends, there is a huge difference between redemption and absolution.
For a while I thought they were one in the same, but I realize that
absolution is much easier than redemption. Being forgiven only
demands that you ask for forgiveness. In truth, you don't even have
to mean it, just go through the motions and you may be forgiven. Ask
yourself, for whom are you seeking forgiveness? Is it to make things
right with someone you have wronged, or is it to assuage your own
guilt?
Redemption has a higher price. It's
personal, something that cannot be achieved without being honest with
yourself. I decided to stop deceiving myself and drop all the half
truths and interpretations of events from my memory. I would only
accept the truth and I would only give the truth. I found out that
contrary to my belief, people respond well to blunt honesty. Maybe it
is because it is so rare, or because the shock of truth is powerful
enough to strip the inhibitions of others. Your redemption can be on
a small scale, something as simple as committing to change, but that
small thing needs to be done for yourself. Otherwise your efforts are
simply pandering to the perception of others. Everything we were
exposed to growing up made us believe we're better than we are, as
though the world owes us respect for nothing. We believed that we
were all destined for greatness and then we became adults and we saw
the ugly truth. We've been lying to ourselves our entire lives.
When I was a teenager I thought the
world would be handed to me. Even after dropping out of college in my
first year, I expected everything for nothing in return. I felt
animosity towards the world for leaving me behind. My delusion was of
my own design and I could not see through it. I blamed everyone but
myself, I made excuses for my lack of success, and I made myself
believe that it was only temporary. That one day my luck would turn
around. Nothing ever changed unless for the worse. Slowly I began to
realize that it was my fault. I wasn't left behind, I failed to keep
up.
Mine is a generation of apathy and
selfishness. Now is the time for redemption. Reevaluate everything
you have ever thought or learned, understanding that “why?” isn't
an unreasonable question to ask. Start with you and push others to do
the same. Change starts with the individual. Say what you mean, and
mean what you say. Without personal meaning our words and actions
ring hollow. Define yourself by what you see within you, not by how
you think others should see you. Like looking through a dirty window,
your view of the world is obscured and the reflection of yourself is
distorted.
Reckless and unduly proud, we have
become a culture of self-indulgent egomaniacs that believe a pill can
cure anything that ails us and we have no one to blame but ourselves.
We keep letting people make excuses for each other and we hide behind
them because it's easier than trying to fix the real problem. My hope
is that we will stop telling our kids that they are special. That we
will no longer reward mediocrity. I want to give the next generation
a true sense of accomplishment by making them actually earn it. These
things are not something that can be learned from books, it takes
experience. We need to show them, to lead by example.
People can do amazing things when they
believe in themselves. I was always a pessimist and kept my eyes
closed to possibility. For me it took a few life changing blows to my
ego before I opened my eyes and saw the truth: the world is full of
opportunity but it isn't going to come to you. When you want
something, go for it and never give up. Progress is a byproduct of
change, be the catalyst.
