It is rare to have a conversation
with another person that is wholly honest and self deprecating. All
we do is lie to each other and worse, to ourselves. I only want to be
unabashed and forthcoming without feeling judged. To do so is to
leave myself vulnerable. If you give up too much you leave yourself
exposed, more ammunition for anyone to take you down. Baring yourself
and standing defenseless in front of the world can be cathartic, but
more often than not it is when people begin to throw stones.
We build barriers to insulate
ourselves from each other, creating a representation of what we think
best serves our interest. Some people put on a facade to be accepted,
and others to disappear. The walls I built were made to show the
world that I am angry and unapproachable, but behind the barrier I'm
afraid. My fear isn't that I will be rejected or ridiculed, it is the
fear of failure that holds me back. There are so many variables in
any situation that I become overwhelmed by the avenues of
possibility. My fear of doing or saying the wrong thing often leaves
me paralyzed. Some would argue that inaction is equivalent to
failure, but I don't see it that way. There are decisions that cannot
be unmade and so I err on the side of caution.
To get close to me you
have to give part of yourself first. Some collateral, an offering of
trust. Once I know that you trust me, I can trust you. I willingly open
my chest and let spill even my darkest secrets. It has been a long while
since I have let anyone in and my confidence wanes. Something I can't
put my finger on looms over head, this dark cloud oppresses me. I
recede back into my fortress avoiding all contact with anything new.
I feel drained, worn down, and nearly broken. I find it hard to make
eye contact again, like a wounded animal cowering in the corner. I am
afraid that people will see the weakness in my soul. I can't bear the
look when someone recognizes it in me.
I live each day hoping
for some affirmation that it was worth it. Most of the time I come up
empty. Ordinary things have deep and significant meaning in my mind.
A simple missed phone call is a traumatic blow to a relationship, an
offhand comment holds hidden messages. Life becomes a puzzle that
only I can see. I read too deeply into everything and I feel like the
smallest decision is paramount to my future. Every word is a sword
that has the potential to leave a deep wound, every thought a poison
pill handled with great care. Choosing to remain silent and hiding
behind my defenses has left me anxious and isolated.
I want to believe that there is a
reason for the way our lives play out. I hope that there is purpose,
but each day that passes makes me feel like there is nothing.
Everything I have ever wanted has been given to me, only to be
promptly snatched away. I can only surmise that I am damned to be
miserable because for some reason that is the only condition in which
I am worthwhile. It is counter-intuitive for me to be most productive
when I am at my emotional worst. When I am dragging the bottom, the
silt rises. I can see the dark and dangerous thoughts that lurk in
the deep recesses of my mind. Happiness is a shroud that blinds me to
this side of myself.
The strange thing is I like both
versions of myself equally. When I feel satisfied with my life
everything seems lighter, the burden of contemplation becomes
insignificant. If I could stay in those moments forever I would.
Maybe even die with a smile on my face, content. In the times when
the veil is lifted and I am immersed in gut wrenching torment, I feel
empowered. I become the hero in my own story and I have discovered my
nemesis. What champion is complete without a foe to face? There is a
love/hate relationship within my own mind. I become both protagonist
and antagonist.
My emotions manifest into physical
forces. I feel things deeply, but I do not show them on the surface.
There is only chaotic turmoil inside, yet on the surface the pond is
still. Don't mistake the stoic, quiet people for disconnected,
emotionless robots because I can assure you that we feel things on a
level you can never imagine. We are deep wells. If you are fortunate
enough to meet one that lets you peer beneath the surface, realize
the amount of trust they have put in you. I think long and hard about
every minute detail of every insignificant thing on a scale so
enormously large that it becomes difficult just to be alive. Yet somehow I fail
to understand my own duality. The world and everything in it is alien
to me but so fascinating that I need to explore the most mundane
facet of every little thing that makes it function. However, my
apprehension keeps me hiding away from it all.
I wonder about the
meaning of life and sometimes, in the pursuit of the answer, I forget
to just live. Having spent so many sleepless nights trying to figure
out why I am here, I have missed so much of life. My quest for
meaning has only served to lessen the weight of my existence. I have
come to believe that the answer is: there is no answer. If you want
purpose in life you have to create it for yourself. Destiny is the
dream of the hopeless. Fate doesn't define you, action does. The day
will come when I shed my anxiety and I walk the wire without a safety
net. Until that day arrives, I recognize that I am the navigator of
my own life. Only I can make myself become the person I want to be.
