Love is a Four Letter Word

"If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear the pain of loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater."

• Dragonlance Chronicles: Dragons of Winter Night

   We are human and we love. The fear of rejection, or failing at a relationship has often prevented me from taking a chance at saying how I feel. I know now that the wonder of what could have been outlasts the pain of rejection, but I still feel apprehension when I know I should be honest about my feelings. I have no fear of the world tuning it's back on me because it isn't personal. To be unabashed and bare my bleeding heart to one person and ask them if they want to walk this far from perfect road with me is absolutely terrifying. To have the perfect person in your sights and fail to pull the trigger is the kind of thing that keeps you up at night.

   The old saying, to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all, is a double edged sword. I have loved and I have lost vastly. The memory of being in love is a warm place to curl up and relive, but the pain of loss is a black abyss so deep and unforgiving that some never find their way out. If you do manage to survive the loss of love you are left with the knowledge of how love can lift you to great heights. You crave it, like a junkie craves his drug of choice. Sometimes we try to force ourselves to love someone because we want to experience that lightness again. I think most of us know how that ends, regret and doubt at the least. More demons to haunt you in the abyss.

   Everyone has loved someone at some point in their life. Some people are still happy in love, as rare as it seems. The rest of us are envious. We all imagine things working out perfectly, but often we don't take into account the fact that most people don't want the same things. We compromise and make sacrifices. Some fight harder than others. There comes a time however, when you find yourself beating a dead horse. Saying goodbye isn't as hard as admitting to yourself that it's no longer worth the effort. That's the part that really hurts, when you've put so much in and gotten so little in return. You may wonder how you could have been so diluted, yet you still feel something had to have been there for you to let yourself be so vulnerable.

   Some would say that love fades. Years may have grown between you or changes have become a wedge, but you still hold on to that lingering love that made you willing to do anything to be with them. No matter how damaged it may seem, nor how irreparable... love never fades. The bonds that keep us together often fray or rot and sadly sometimes they break, but the anchor to which they were once tied remains, like a signpost in our heart. Some bonds are so strong that when they break they fracture our hearts. In time the heart heals with a scar in place of a deep fissure. No amount of trying can erase that part of us, though we wish we could.

   Then there is the love that never was, or the one that got away. The person you were so good with but you couldn't make it work. Whether it was circumstance or timing that got in the way, you still have lingering feelings for them. Maybe you are in a place where you would want to revisit those feelings, but inevitably the other person is unavailable. You don't say anything because you fear the only thing worse than rejection: learning that that person feels the same way, but something keeps them at arms length. I guess it doesn't really matter when you have waited too long to say it.

   Love is the varnish of our hearts, it brings out the beauty within and protects us from decay. Over time the wear of daily rigors strip away the enamel of love. I believe that nothing can completely sever a connection made by love, if it is real. The moment your eyes met that unspoken bond was forged, long before the words were a fleeting thought. When someone you love ceases to be that person and you cannot recognize them anymore, when you know that bond is breaking, that first moment is still yours. It wasn't a lie you let yourself believe. That piece of your soul that you gave up to love will always hold the same fondness you remember. The hardest part of love is letting go.

   I am not saying love is always tragic. In fact I believe that when you find a way to make it work, love is amazing. The best times of my life were when I had someone to love who loved me just as much. Losing that love left me feeling like the world was bleak and somehow the universe was punishing me for past maleficence. Despite the isolated, drowning loneliness that I have felt, I still have faith that I will love again. I know now that I am older and wiser that love is a perk, not the goal in life. Someone close to me made me realize that happiness comes from within. When you stop seeking it elsewhere, look inside yourself and mature spiritually, the person you become will draw in the person who will embody all the things you sought.

Like all good things, it won't be easy but the honey is worth a few stings.

Love is a four letter word.... so is hope. For my money, there are no two greater motivators.


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