I won't pretend to be
someone who knows what I am talking about, I simply know what I feel.
This is only meant to be cathartic for me and I invite you along for
the ride. My intention is full disclosure, a guided tour through a
mind full of confusion and uncertainty. A long time ago I realized
that the path to enlightenment did not begin with knowledge, but with
understanding. The Latin phrase “temet nosce”, meaning “know
thyself” became my personal mantra. I'm sure the scholars have
plenty to say about it, but for me it meant: to fully understand
anything you must first understand yourself.
When I think back to my
youth, especially high school, I cringe. I can't say it was
especially terrible for me because I floated by somewhere in the
middle. I wasn't bullied much. If people noticed me at all, they just
thought I was strange, maybe a little crazy. Strange as I was, I did
manage to make some friends. At the time I believed that no one
wanted anything to do with me, but I realized later it was my odd
behavior that kept people away. Hardly ever speaking, I was a very
private person. I liked to observe from afar and take mental notes of
people's interactions. Slang and popular fashion trends were
completely alien to me.
I have never been
comfortable around other people. Protecting myself like a turtle,
retreating at the first sign of threat, I never felt whole because I
didn't let anyone see me. I felt completely insane compared to the
“normal” but I think we all do. I see now that it's not me,
everyone is different. Normal is an illusion, the generally accepted
behaviors that all people ascribe to are insane. No one is normal.
Looking back I can't understand why anyone would want to feel any
other way. The people that don't feel alienated are the strange
ones.
Happiness eluded me for
years. I found it a few times but that slippery bastard always made
it's escape. All I ever wanted was for someone to love me.
Occasionally I had it, but inevitably my awkwardness became too much
for anyone to bear and I found myself alone time and again.
Continuing throughout my teens and early twenties, the tides of
happiness graced my shores only to recede slowly eroding my faith
away. Eventually it broke me. I found myself in darkness, drowning
every night in self destruction. I turned my back on happiness
finding a niche at the bar with my two best friends, alcohol and
cigarettes. It didn't take long for the tides of happiness to turn to
the tsunami of misery. So much of who I was washed away in the
relentless wave. I had given up not only on trying to find happiness,
but on life. By some miracle someone came along and pulled me out.
She loved me as broken as I
was, maybe because she was broken too. She became my best friend. We
did everything together. We had kids, I found a decent job and things
were good for a while. The shores of happiness were mine to stroll
once again. They say fate is cruel, I don't have a case to argue. Our
happiness was short lived when she became ill. Our story didn't have
a fairy tale ending. She passed away last year. Our family broken,
the dark shadow of misery looming again overhead. As sad as it made
me, this time I didn't let it overwhelm me.
For most people happiness
is cyclical, it comes and goes seemingly as it pleases. Whatever it
is that makes us happy is usually something beyond our control, like
someone else willingly loving us. Somehow we have been conditioned to
believe that we are incomplete if we are alone. I used to believe
that myself. Maybe its was the stories with the beautiful princess
and the handsome prince we all are familiar with from our childhood.
They are mostly the same, boy and girl meet, fall in love, most of
the time the only adversity their relationship faces is something
unrealistic or intangible like magic or a purely evil entity, and
they live “happily ever after”. We let ourselves be brainwashed
into thinking this was what to expect from life. As adults we don't
remember the emotional roller coaster we experienced hearing these
stories as kids, but somewhere deep in our mind it lingers. It's the
thing that makes us sabotage our own relationships. Nothing is ever
good enough because it doesn't live up to the fantasy of perfect
happiness forever. Ideally we all want that happy ending, but almost
no one ever gets it.
There are no princesses
locked in towers guarded by dragons, there's no handsome prince
scouring the world looking for you. Even if there were, do you really
think that they would love you unconditionally forever? Of course
not. Unless you are a Haitian witchdoctor or a lobotomist, you are
going to have trouble finding someone to be complacent all the time.
All of this aside, stop looking for your happiness in someone else as
if they are holding some part of you that was removed at birth and
you need them to feel happy. The secret to true happiness is in
understanding who you are. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else.
Learn who you are and why you do the things you do.
Anything motivated by an
outside source is a threat to your happiness. If you dress a certain
way because you are worried about how other people perceive you, stop
it. If you talk a certain way because you want to fit into a social
group, stop it. If your goals are set to please or impress others,
stop pursuing them. Get to the root of what you want and how you feel
about things. Make changes to be the person you want to be.
I have embraced that which
makes me different. There is no longer any fear of being judged or
ridiculed. No matter how alone you may feel someone like you is close
at hand. The biggest obstacle is taking off our armor and allowing
ourselves to be exposed and vulnerable. When you do, and you let the
world see the tumult in you, others will begin to strip their armor
and let you see them. If we all let go of our defenses the world
would be a better place. Be vulnerable, lower your guard. Do
something you normally wouldn't do. Free yourself from the shackles
you have let social pressure place on you. Most of us think we are
less than we are. Feeling like you are inadequate can be the thing
that holds you back. The words of others can only hurt you if you let
them. I believe everyone has greatness in themselves. All it takes is
finding it and letting it grow.
These are new revelations
for me. I have always believed that happiness was achieving the
things that I was told I should want. A family, an education, and a
good job. I always hated school and dropped out of my first year of
college. There has never been a job that I was happy with for more
than a few months, I always felt I could do better. My family
suffered a great loss. By the standards I grew up on, I was a
complete failure. I believed I could never be happy. Our unhappiness
comes from our unrealistic expectations and distorted perceptions. As
an adult its time to clean out the cobwebs of childhood fantasies and
see the world as it is.
The happiest people I know
are the ones who love themselves and see anything outside of
themselves as a bonus. If I said I was happy I would be lying, but
you can be sure I am on the right path.
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